Ode to motherhood
By Angel Kane
Wilson Living Magazine
People often ask Becky and I how we met. Like many other women, we bonded over “motherhood” when our children attended the same Preschool. Through the years, we‘ve been there as our babies have grown into teenagers and along the way, laughed until it hurt and cried until there were no more tears, always thankful, that there was another Mom out there experiencing the same adventure.
In honor of all Mothers this upcoming Mother’s Day – we bring you an Ode To Motherhood.
And so it began…
1. Buying not not one but four pregnancy tests – confirming and reconfirming that there really is a baby in there! Going to the OB/GYN and being utterly horrified when he explains EXACTLY how that baby will come out!
Thinking…the hell it will!
2. Reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” three times. Buying maternity clothes long before they’re needed. Stocking up on baby must-haves way before they’re necessary. Decorating the nursery before one should. Telling everyone you can about your birth plan. Picking a name that is perfectly perfect….and then waiting….waiting…waiting…..
3. Feeling the first contraction and realizing what you’ve always known – you don’t do anything in life naturally. You eat processed food, you don’t recycle, your carbon footprint is enormous, you medicate to fly and aging gracefully just seems moronic.
Give me the big needle in the back please and make it a double dose – I feel more pain than the average person.
4. Seeing, for the first time, this tiny, pink, wrinkled up creature whose piercing cry is like nails on a chalkboard.
Oh hell, what have I done?
Watching her sleep for hours on end, poking her every 15 minutes to make sure she is breathing. Terrified she will flip onto her stomach and suffocate. Thankful each morning when she’s still alive!
5. Boiling bottles, fretting over the fact her IQ may be lower because you started her on formula, the guilt of returning to work and the secret guilt that it’s kind of nice to be back there.
Getting out of the house takes a good 45 minutes, packing the matching baby bag and diaper bag, the stroller that weighs at least 55 pounds, the car seat that never quite fits back into it’s holder, goldfish and cheerios in those perfectly proportioned plastic baby cups.
Driving back up the driveway 5 minutes later because you forgot her blanket.
6. Deciding the most special baby in the world is lonely and needs a sibling.
Hoping the second one is as cute as the first!
7. It all works out perfectly because you’re still wearing the majority of the maternity clothes from the first baby. Who cares – all you do is work, take care of the baby, eat and sleep.
The new doctor tries to talk you into Lamaze classes again – – explain this is not your first rodeo. You have absolutely no desire to breathe through any plan that doesn’t include high powered meds.
Oh Hell, what is she writing down in your chart??
8. Baby #1 tries to feed Baby #2 dog food! She looked so innocent while doing it…but it’s obvious she hates her. You’ve ruined her life.
They both cry in unison. That blood curdling, open mouth, closed eyes, turing bright red, then blue, cry!
This must be the 10th level of Hell!
9. Two baby seats, and a stroller for two – cute matching bags go out the window, any old bag will do. Hoping against all hope you packed the right size diapers and formula, knowing you can find some cheerios at the bottom of the bags.Throw up in the van, throw up on the rug, throw up all over your new shirt. Ear infections, fifths disease, rashes and strep. Antibiotics, cough syrups, baby Tylenol, Vicks and cold compresses.
Fish sticks become a complete meal, add Mac & Cheese and it must be your hubby’s birthday!
Where are the matching bows??? They must have matching bows! Heads will roll if I don’t find those bows!
10. Dance class, tumbling, four year olds playing soccer while skipping down the field, the Easter Bunny and Santa photos scar them for life, finally doing Disney and realizing you are more excited about seeing Mulan than they are.
Suddenly wake up from this hazy dream to find there are clones of you and your husband everywhere you go…they look crazed and tired.
11. Number 3 is almost here – most people think you’re crazy, others outwardly pity you, no one believes it was planned. Building a new house, selling the old one, moving into a rental when the new one isn’t ready. The builder becomes your mortal enemy, your husband is just glad you’re not yelling at him anymore.
Outraged when the nurse at the hospital tells you its too early for the epidural. Lose your mind, your chart is checked, shot administered, emergency averted.
12. It’s a boy!!!
He wears pink onesies and pick socks, eats dog food every so often (you checked – its actually not a bad source of protein), the girls carry him around and you’re just thankful for the help. Hope against all hope he’s as smart as the other two, convincing yourself he’ll be fine – a kid can learn a lot from watching every episode of Zack and Cody.
13. Homework and class projects that keep you up all night, Christmas programs that never end, field trips you forget to sign up for, much less pay for. Basketball, tennis, baseball, cross country, soccer, birthday parties, movie parties, bowling parties, painting parties…I am seriously out of money!
14. Uncontrollable giggles, slumber parties where no one sleeps, crushes and tears.
Deciding the meanest human being on earth comes in the form of an 11 year old girl!
Hair pulling, screaming out “MOM” at the top of their lungs just to ask you a question, footballs and baseballs in every corner of the house, name calling, closet raiding, clean clothes on the kitchen table, dirty clothes everywhere else, threatening to put the dog to sleep if someone doesn’t feed him.
I don’t know – made sense at the time.
15. Grades matter, permits, licenses, ACTs, SATs, everyone has an I-pad, I-pod, I-phone – except you! Confirming there is no greater power on earth than taking away I-pads, I-pods and I-phones!
16. Oh Hell No!! How much do I weigh!?
Stalking old friends on Facebook and noticing how much they look like their mothers.
Joining a gym, planting a garden, reading a book, taking a trip that doesn’t include visiting an aquarium, a zoo or having breakfast with a princess.
17. Watching your eldest drive away one morning, with the younger two smiling and waving out the back window.
Googling – how old is too old to have a baby?
Buying a new car instead.
18. Seeing a random stranger out with her precious new baby.
Oh Hell….really wishing you could do it all again. But this time you’ll do it all perfectly! Promise…