Man, I Feel Like A Woman — But Which Bathroom?

 

Yep, I’m going there. Well, not literally. I’m sitting at my computer as opposed to sitting on a toilet in a gender-neutral bathroom. It’d be pretty unhygienic writing in a public restroom. That much we can all agree on, yes?

It’s time to get our toilet paper in a wad: No. 2 has become the No. 1 issue. And yes, there will be more bathroom puns, so brace yourself.

You’d have to be living under a rock (or in an outhouse) to not know about the biggest issue facing this nation. No, I’m not talking about Iraq or Afghanistan, the economy, our crippling national debt, the pyramid scheme that is our social security system, Russia, North Korea or China.

Shania Twain, perhaps the greatest psychic of our time, the Canadian Nostradamus of the 90s with catchy beats and fog machines, foresaw the issue many years ago with her hit “Man! I feel like a woman!” (Although her soothsayer abilities could be called into question in that she did not see her husband and best friend’s affair coming. Although quite frankly, that’s Canada’s problem, not ours).

Does feeling like a woman make you a woman? A similar issue caught national attention with the case of Rachel Dolezal, a Caucasian woman who held herself out as African American, running Spokane, Washington’s NAACP chapter. Later it was revealed that she was not in fact African American, but just identified as such.

If you are a man who identifies as a woman, do you now get to compete with other women for affirmative action positions? Does a high school boy that identifies as a girl now get to compete for the few and far in between female golf or tennis collegiate scholarships, for example? If a man identifies as a woman, does that excuse him from registering for the draft? Does Caitlyn Jenner now get paid 80 cents to the dollar he used to make when he was Bruce? (Maybe the bigger question is why the Jenner/Kardashian crew gets paid anything at all? Alas, I wish this were also Canada’s problem).

So, what’s my position on the bathroom brouhaha? Well, I have to side with the Europeans and pick the bidet over toilet paper, any day! No, wait, wrong issue! Oh, sorry, my son just woke up from his nap and since he’s had a complete No. 2 blow out, changing his diaper is my No. 1 issue. Hold that thought, and your place in line of the bathroom of your choosing, till next time!

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