Leave it to the professionals…
Pinterest has created a lot of arrogance. Making us think turning an old door into a headboard for the guest room is a piece of cake or turning old wine bottles into tea glasses is an easy task. Over the years, I’ve tried my hand at many things. Sometimes with success-hello boeuf bourguignon and other times, not so much-at home hair highlight. Because we all seem to be in a hurry when it comes to…EVERYTHING, I’ve compiled a list of things you shouldn’t waste your time trying at home! And please trust me on this, I’ve done the leg work. So here it goes:
1. Self-tanner. Unless you like to walk around looking like Lindsay Lohan, visit a spray tan booth. And not the machine operated kind. I tried this once and the noise was so loud I couldn’t hear the prompts to turn around. Needless to say I wound up looking like an extra in a revival of The Wizard of Oz.
2. Bikini wax (or any wax!)- This will be short and sweet. Do yourself a favor and invest in a razor, tweezers or get a laser treatment (Although, I’ve heard that is equally painful!). If you insist on it, bring a pillow to scream into and plan on drinking heavily after.
3. Duck en croute. If you aren’t Julia Child or seasoned chef, stick with an easier duck recipe. I was determined to make this one weekend and it took me 8 hours from start to finish. I didn’t even bone the duck. The realization that it was a mistake came when my husband who will eat anything, (Seriously, he’s eaten frog eggs) picked at the meat stuffing and commented on how the pastry shell made no sense. It would have been cheaper to pay someone to cook it for me.
4. Divorce- I’ve not been through a divorce. But, I’ve heard it’s a bad idea from friends who have trusted their post marital future with a site found through the Google search engine. Unless you like living in your car and eating cat food.
5. Groom your pet- Just because you own a pair of clippers, doesn’t make you a groomer. I tried it once and my friendly little puppy wouldn’t look at me for 3 days. Don’t ever give an Australian shepherd “The Chihuahua.” It’s not a good look.
6. Painting- The only time I ever seriously considered number four. That being said, it’s cheaper and less stressful to wait until you can afford to pay someone to paint for you. This also goes for trying to imitate a painting you’ve seen. I wish I had a dime for every time someone within ear shot has said, “I bet I could make that!”
7. Repurposing ANYTHING but especially furniture-I know the fools on Pinterest make it look easy. That’s because to them, it probably is. I have two ways you can repurpose that old dresser. 1. Give it away before you spend $400 on supplies OR 2. Call my friend Mandy Pryor and pay her to do it. She knows what she’s doing and actually enjoys it.
8. Make any Disney or Nickelodeon themed birthday cake. Buying a cake pan in the shape of Buzz Lightyear doesn’t make you Duff Goldman any more than buying a pair of skinny jeans makes you skinny.
So before you pick up that pallet of ceramic tile because it’s on clearance, it’s important that you slam your hand in a door and drop a cast iron skillet on your foot. If after all of this you still think retiling the spare bathroom is the perfect weekend job for you and your husband, call me and I’ll give you the name and number of the perfect divorce attorney.
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