Less than six days ago, we’d been preparing to begin our week as usual. We were a clean, well-nourished, emotionally stable family. Of course, we’d seen the weather reports and like all good southerners hit the grocery to buy milk, bread and chocolate.
But, come on, it never really snows here!
Day 1. Presidents Day. That meant the kids were out of school, so it seemed ok that we stay home too. Snow and ice covered the ground. Reports indicated that no one should leave their homes and we were happy to oblige. We found the sleds and posted our obligatory FB video of our using them. We baked cookies, watched movies and stayed in PJs all day. Life was good! No one showered.
Day 2. An official snow day!! No school!! The kids were excited and while we felt the urge to do something, there wasn’t much we could do. So we ate some more, sledded some more, and watched Netflix some more. Life was still good. The adults did break down to shower.
Day 3. No school….again. Bread, milk and chocolate were becoming scarce. Sledding wasn’t as thrilling, the no showering thing was getting on my last nerve, television was useless, and there was no one left to stalk on FB. Life had become excruciatingly boring. Two of the children still refused to shower.
Day 4. Are you kidding me!?! This is Tennessee, not Antarctica! The house had an odor, wet coats, boots and gloves were heaped in piles by every door, the dog had chewed up the sled, and we were down to a few slices of bread, those bananas no one ever eats and pizza rolls, covered in ice crystals. Life as we knew it was over! The little piggy that refused to shower was forcibly bathed.
Day 5. We busted out on Friday! At least the two adults in the house did, never so happy to see our work family. Thankful to not be in that stinky house eating that stinky food! Instead we ate lunch at Demos like the all the other civilized adults in town. And yes, we even stopped at Starbucks.
Then at 4 p.m., the Weather Bug alert went off!
And adults in town were told to hurry home before Ice Storm #2 hit! Life had become almost comical… except when we got home the kids were not laughing… and all three were back to not bathing.
Day 6. The day I lost my mind. Here’s why. The ADT alarm went off at 2 a.m. when an unlocked door was blown open by the rain storm, four hours later we awoke again to find that the pool liner had ripped from the walls of the pool as the rain melted the block of ice that had been atop it. Leaks, wrecks and flash floods were being reported all around. Lisa Patton looked frazzled and the Governor raised the State of Emergency to Level 2.
And right then and there, I was over it!
Pick up those wet socks! Put the dog out! De-ice the gutters before they break! Call the pool company! Empty every garbage can in this house and figure out where that smell is coming from! Go change out of those pajamas, it is 2 o’clock! Bring me your wallet, you’ve exceeded your data package by one million percent! Stop eating junk food! Turn off that television and go read a book! And for the love of all humanity, everyone go take a shower!
Day 7. That’s tomorrow. I’m going to church. First, to atone for all the horrible things I said, did and ate between Days 3 thru 6, second to ask God to please, please make it stop snowing and third to pray really, really hard that that little groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, dies a miserable, painful death.
Mostly for the third reason.