Armageddon

Often when I can’t sleep, I’ll get up in the middle of the night and watch television.

So, it was one night this week that I stumbled upon “Doomsday Preppers” a new National Geographic television show.

Within 5 minutes, I was both hooked and…terrified. Apparently, there are all sorts of theories on how the world will end.

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, I now need to worry about the North and South Pole switching places and tidal waves destroying our world. Or solar flashes from the Sun, taking out the power grid. Or hyper-inflation causing the world as we know it to disappear, causing a run on groceries and the complete destruction of civilized life.

As I watched mesmerized, I came to know that there are people out there called Preppers…who are already preparing for this impending doomsday.

What the show revealed was that in the event of a nuclear holocaust only Preppers and roaches will survive!

And now ME…because I watched the show.

And now YOU…because I’m going to share all their secrets.

Stock up on rice, wheat, and dehydrated corn. In a world gone mad, the Preppers advise that these items have a shelf life of 8 to 10 years. That’s right the ultimate carb only diet is what will save the human race. I knew it! Chickens. All Preppers have chickens. Lots of them. Now many of you are aware, I already own these nasty creatures. So, I can check that box right now! And from what the Preppers say, these little filthy monsters are going to save my life should disaster hit. Guns, strings of ammo to hang around your neck, and a camo vest. Apparently, roving bands of your neighbors, who didn’t have the foresight to prepare as well as you have, will be trying to get to your 1000 pounds of rice and chickens. To protect yourself, you will need to dress like you are completely insane and patrol the parameters of your homestead.  Your garb alone will scare them. Gas Masks. Because you might as well not even call yourself a Prepper…unless you own one of these. Even if the air is perfectly fine, Preppers intend to wear their gas masks because of their “cool” factor. Walky talkies. So that those of us that survive will be able to communicate with other Preppers. Another box checked, because years ago I bought my girls a set of Barbie walky talkies. I know Becky’s kids have Batman ones. So, thankfully we will still be able to talk daily when disaster hits.

And our conversations will go something like this:

“What are you doing?”

“Stringing ropes of ammo. What about you?”

“Eating dehydrated corn. I’m still trying to figure out how to turn wheat into bread. Do you remember how they did it on that show?”

“No, I fell asleep during that part. Where’s Jay?”

“He and his mother are wearing their gas masks, running around the parameters of the compound. They are loving every minute of all this! Where’s Brody?”

“Ever the optimist, he is outside again, holding his phone up to the sky, desperate to see just one bar.”

“By the way, have I told you how much I hate your guts for saving my life?”

“Tell me about it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I wish I had just watched QVC that night!”

Share This:

Leave a Reply